freaking out

My summer vacation is almost over! I'm moving out of my apartment at Western on Friday......on FRIDAY, I cannot believe it! Time has flown by! I feel like it was just yesterday that I was saying good-bye to my roomie, Katie & to the dorms for the rest of my life! It seems like just yesterday that I was on the phone with Katie crying & freaking out over the fact that we're getting old & we're going to graduate in less than 6 months! I'm really glad that my summer has flown by so far, but then I'm kinda not because in less than a month, I'll be starting my internship in Asheville, which makes me real nervous! I have no idea how this coming semester is going to go & what it's gonna look like. I am probably the most nervous about finding my way around Asheville & not going insane with being so far away from everything & everyone that's familiar! The thing that I'm most excited about is graining knowledge & experience! I am looking forward to getting to help women find jobs & get back on their feet.

Heartbreak

So I've been thinking about my husband a lot lately. That may sound strange to you considering, I'm not in a relationship at the moment & I don't even know who my husband is, but I still think about him from time to time. I'll be watching something on tv & I'll think of him or I'll hear someone talk about their husband in conversation & I'll think of him...you know, stuff like that. Aside from my normal thoughts about my husband, I've been struggling with the thought of having to one day explain my physical past to him. Not only the physical stuff I've done, but also the emotional stuff I've shared with guys that I thought I loved...those are going to be hard things to explain to him. When I think about my past, there's no real excuse or explaination I can give him that will make any of it good or even ok! And that's what really stinks! Just knowing that one day I'm going to have to tell the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with that I've said "I love you" to another guy before him, MAN that's just....heartbreaking!

My brother made me a CD on Thursday & I listened to it twice during my 5-hour drive back up to school & below are the lyrics to 1 of the songs on the CD. When I first heard this song all the way through I cried. I had already been overwhelmed with thoughts of my past & having to discuss them with my future husband & I was actually thinking about that very thing when I heard this song come through my stereo in my car. This song just describes exactly how I feel & says exactly what I what to say to my husband right now. I hope he'll find a reason to stay.

"Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

I'M AN ADDICT

Ok it's true, I am addicted to caffine! I think everyone is addicted to something. I believe our society & the American culture, not only makes addictions seem normal, but we're encouraged to be addicted to something. Don't get me wrong, I'm not rationalizing my addiction to caffine, but I am trying to comfort myself by telling myself that I'm not alone! I must admit to you that my addiction is pretty bad....well all addictions are bad because being addicted to something means you can't function without it & when you don't have it, you go through withdrawals. So I guess I'd say I go through some pretty intense withdrawals whenever I don't get my fix of caffine for the day! Last semester....ok the last 2 semesters, I had at least 4 caffinated sodas a day! My favorite drink of choice was Diet Coke! I would get a 12-pack at Wal-Mart in the beginning of the week & I'd be done with it by the weekend. I didn't realize just how addicted I was to caffine until this summer during a trip to South Boston. We got to South Boston & stopped for a bite to eat & I had a Mountain Dew with my dinner, my first caffine fix of the day! Shortly after dinner, about 10 minutes later, I started feeling my heart racing & it really got my attention. So after that it was like, ok I'm addicted there's no doubt! Well it's hard to stop doing something that you've done for so long that you never saw anything wrong with doing & then suddenly see a problem with it & think that you can just quick doing it, life doesn't work that way! Alright so a month later, yesterday, on my way into my 3-hour long night class, I decided that I was a little tired & needed some caffine in me! Yeah bad decision. I drank just half of my 12 oz Diet Pepsi Max when I started feeling anxious, it was horrible! I had to sit through a 55-minute video about Schizophrenia & Depression with my heart racing & my palms sweating, I thought I was gonna pass out! So now I've had my second awakening of just how horrible caffine really is for my body & I still don't know if I can quick drinking it! Any suggestions? Oh & just so you're educated, 68% of Diet Pepsi Max is caffine.

When You Don't Know What Else to Do

Have you ever had a whole bunch of thoughts that you didn't feel like you could share with anyone, not even your mom or your best friend? And for whatever reason or reasons you just felt like no one would understand what you're going through or that they wouldn't keep your thoughts on whatever it was in confidence. Well if you haven't ever gone through this then consider yourself lucky because I have been struggling with this a lot lately.

I have about 6 people that I consider to be my best friends & don't get me wrong, they are amazing, they are trustworthy, kind, truthful, good listerners, and tons of other things that make them surpass all the other people in my life! With all that said, in the past 6 months or so, I've seen myself slowly transform into a different person, someone I don't know. I hate what I've become! It's hard to trace back where it all began & why it has taken me so long to realize just how much I've compromised on things I considered uncompromiseable! While some out of the 6 best friends that I have, noticed that some things were different about me they couldn't put their finger on what or why. It's really hard for me sometimes to turn to those that are closest to me for help or advice because I've grown to become independent & I sometimes feel like I'm burdening someone by talking to them about my problems. It may sound strange, but I strongly believe that the reason why I've been feeling like I can't talk to anyone about what I've been going through the last 6 months & the battles I'm facing everyday is because I needed to stop argeeing with what everyone else was telling me I was doing wrong & instead, form my own opinions about the situation. I also have seen that by not going to other people, I have started to take on more responsibility for my actions. It's like when you do something wrong as a kid, like punch your brother in the face & your mom tells you to appologize so you do, but you only do it because she told you to & you wanna move on with life, but you don't mean it....it's like that. I have gone to my best friends about things, knowing that I can trust them to keep what I tell them in confidence & knowing that they have my best interest in my mind when they give me advice, but I can't just do what they say or feel what they tell me to, that wouldn't be right.

Needless to say, it's been nice not having anyone to turn to for comfort or advice because through the help of God, it has made me realize so much about myself & has in a sense forced me to turn to God for comfort & advice. I have asked Him how I should feel about things rather than asking my friends, because while I love my friends like crazy, their opinion is ultimately not what matters most to me.