Heartbreak

So I've been thinking about my husband a lot lately. That may sound strange to you considering, I'm not in a relationship at the moment & I don't even know who my husband is, but I still think about him from time to time. I'll be watching something on tv & I'll think of him or I'll hear someone talk about their husband in conversation & I'll think of him...you know, stuff like that. Aside from my normal thoughts about my husband, I've been struggling with the thought of having to one day explain my physical past to him. Not only the physical stuff I've done, but also the emotional stuff I've shared with guys that I thought I loved...those are going to be hard things to explain to him. When I think about my past, there's no real excuse or explaination I can give him that will make any of it good or even ok! And that's what really stinks! Just knowing that one day I'm going to have to tell the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with that I've said "I love you" to another guy before him, MAN that's just....heartbreaking!

My brother made me a CD on Thursday & I listened to it twice during my 5-hour drive back up to school & below are the lyrics to 1 of the songs on the CD. When I first heard this song all the way through I cried. I had already been overwhelmed with thoughts of my past & having to discuss them with my future husband & I was actually thinking about that very thing when I heard this song come through my stereo in my car. This song just describes exactly how I feel & says exactly what I what to say to my husband right now. I hope he'll find a reason to stay.

"Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes