I never knew that

Tonight I realized something about myself that I constantly do & I hadn't realized how often I do it & how much it bothers me until tonight. Writing about this will give you a real intimate look at my life, but I'm not too worried about being so open about it because I don't think many people read my blog! Anyways enough rambling, time to get stress! So I realized tonight that I'm constantly telling people about relationship issues I'm having & then when they give me advice, I get mad at them for trying to tell me what to do in my relationship! And just so we're clear, when I say "relationship," I'm not just referring to Nick, I'm referring to any relationship I have where there's issues. I'm someone who can handle being told what to do, I can deal with someone who's older or wiser than me giving me orders, but I cannot stand being told what to do when it comes to my relationships! I will give you this, I do occasionally call up a close friend of mine & ask their advice, even on relationship stuff, however, if I don't ask for advice then I don't want it! I'm not venting about this so that those who read this blog can change their ways & not give me advice when I don't ask for it, no that's not my purpose at all in writing this. The problem rest with me. In the last few weeks I've realized that when you discuss things with people, no matter what it is, you lose some control. For example, let's say that I discuss my opinion about underage drinking with my mom & the next day she goes to work & tells 1 of her co-workers my opinion & how our opinions differ, well I brought that on myself. When I choose to share my opinion or my thoughts I lose some degree of control. So tonight I realized that when I discuss the issues I'm having in a relationship to someone & they tell me what to do, I shouldn't get mad because I brought it on myself. It's like when you were a kid & you complained to your mom about how mean the kids were to you on the bus, you were a fool to think that your mom wouldn't do or say anything about it! My mom would usually vent to my dad about it & then reassure me or advice me on how to handle the situation. I guess what I'm getting at is that from now on, I'm going to try really hard to watch what I say so that I don't repeatedly find myself getting frustration & anger over this! I hope all this has made sense. Hit me up with any thoughts you might have!

January till now...

Nick is graduating in less than 12 days from now!!! I have been waiting for May 10th ever since he started his last semester! It has been a really tough 4 months for me, however I know it's been even harder on him than on me. I am so incredibly proud of him! At the start of this semester I had no clue as to how Nick was going to act as a student. I didn't know how he studies, how he handles the stresses & pressures of school, how he does research papers, I didn't know anything about him as a student. Well let me just say, it was really difficult at first for me to learn these things, let alone adjust to them! In the beginning I would get really frustrated when Nick would send me home early because he wanted to start working on an assignment 3 days before it was due! It took about 2 months for me to really grasp how Nick is as a student. I can tell you now that Nick is extremely dedicated to his college career & he sees it as just that, a career, a full-time job. In learning more about Nick, I got to see just how much of a hard worker he really is & I love that about him!!! Plenty of times throughout this semester I saw him get frustrated & his determination to keep trying & his willingliness to try out new solutions really made me admire him. Thankfully, I didn't really have a tough last semester of college, but had I had the work Nick had to do this semester, I probably would have quit! I'm extremely glad that I was able to be around Nick during this stressful time because it brought us closer together & it also challenged us day-to-day on an individual basis. I will be beyond excited when May 10th finally gets here, but in the meantime, I'm perfectly content watching Nick continue to grow!

Update

I have been crazy busy lately. I have been busy wrapped up in applying for jobs & helping Nick make arrangements for after graduation. This past Friday I went up to Kernersville with Nick to spend some time with his family and then we went to a friend of ours' wedding on Saturday in Asheboro. Then today I took a test for a job position as a Disabilities Determination Specialist Traniee with the NC Department of Human Services. The test was 34 questions long and we had 50 minutes to complete it. It was a really stinkin hard test & when I say hard I mean it was like taking the SATs all over again!!! Well they graded the test right there & I passed! After I got over being shocked, I picked a day & time to have my interview! I would love it if I got this job because I could become more knowledgeable about physical and mental disabilities and help people in my community gain the support they need. I also have another interview set up for this week! It's seems like things are FINALLY turning around for me! I don't know if I'll get any offers from either agency, but nevertheless I am thrilled just knowing it's a possibility!

There's your update on my life! Y'all come back now, you hear?!! Name that TV show!

It's NOT the End of the World...

Believe it or not, not having a cell phone has it's benefits & rewards! Benefit #1: People I don't wanna talk to can't get in touch with me, unless it's via the Internet. Benefit #2: I can be late to things! Whenever I show up late to meet someone (which is not likely to happen), I can just use the excuse, "oh, I woulda called, but no cell phone." Benefit #3: When I'm with a huge group of people & a cell phone rings, I don't have to worry about whether it's mine or not. Benefit #4: Now when I go to the movies, I can ignore all those silly warnings about "silence your phone or pager." Benefit #5: I can really concentration on the road when I'm driving, no more distractions! Benefit #6: I can give my undivided attention to whoever I'm spending time with. Don't you hate it when you're in mid-sentence & your friend's cell phone rings & it totally ruins your train of thought?! The biggest reward I've seen so far in not having a cell phone, it's improved my relationship with Nick!!!! I know right, who woulda thought?!! I really like talking to Nick on AIM or Skype now because it allows me to multi-task! Not having my cell phone has also made us cherish the times we do get to talk to one another! I actually thought not having my phone was gonna cause more problems in our relationship, but it's actually made it 10 times better! I never woulda thought I could live without my cell phone, but I actually like not having one! I know, you're probably thinking, "how much longer will she like not having a cell phone?" I don't know the answer to that, but we'll see, I'll let you know!

Motivation

I think I'm finally frustrated enough about my current situation that I've become extremely motivated to find a job! I now spend the majority of my time looking on the Internet for jobs instead of playing around on facebook & myspace! I spend time thinking about what new words I can type in for a job search, how I can make my resume look better, & how I can make it to a fax machine before 5 o'clock! It's only Wednesday night & I've already applied for 4 jobs this week! I think that's pretty darn good! I never thought I'd say this, but I feel much better about myself because of my efforts to really really work hard at finding a job! Granted, I still think the whole process sucks! I just really wanna send out a massive message to everyone in college right now to tell them to do tons of internships or just 1 really long internship because you're going to need the experience on your resume if you hope to get a job in your field after graduation! Leave me with your comments!

At the End of My Ropes!

Life is hard. Lately I've really been struggling with the thought of having to grow up, of having to become an adult. I should be really excited about it all, but I'm not. I'm really stressed out lately. I still do not have a job nor any possibilities of getting one any time soon & that's been really stressful on me to say the least! I spend hours every week looking online for jobs & then even more hours applying for them & faxing my resume & still not even one company has called me for an interview! I'm not willingly to work just anywhere, I want to use my degree. I spent 4 & a half years at Western so I could have an education that would get me in the door & allow me to have opportunities that I wouldn't have without a degree. I'm beginning to think my degree is useless & nothing but a piece of paper! Things have not been going as planned! I feel stuck & I am! I don't have enough money to move anywhere so I'm stuck living at home with my parents & I have to find a job in Raleigh for that reason & because I don't have my own car! It wouldn't be so bad if I had a degree in math or science because then I would probably already have a job! Gosh it's just so dang frustrating! Oh, what also makes things worse, I have hardly any job experience because my parents never allowed me to work while I was in college! Oh & my cell phone is being turned off tomorrow because our contract is up & my mom refuses to renew it & since I have no job, I can't afford to renew it myself! So, no phone, no car, & no long-term employment experience, pretty much means I'm screwed!

This Easter

"I Am Nothing" by Jeremy Camp

I’m always in this place,
Where the things I seem to take,
Are the things I wish would fade
I always purpose in my heart,
To do things the right way,
Then I realize I’m still clay
And this piece that’s being shaped,
Will be a beauty you create

[CHORUS]
I am nothing without your love
I’m unworthy but your death has been enough
I’m completed by your touch,
But I feel like I’ve been given so much and I thank you,
I thank you

I wouldn’t even face,
All the troubles of the day,
If it wasn’t for your grace
Sometimes I even wait,
To see if I’m awake,
Seems so good I can’t relate
Tour every word I crave,
And I’m grateful for every breath I take
When I’m feeling all my shame,
You won’t let it stay,
I sail away into your love
I’m taking every day,
To give my life away,
It’s the only way I know